How do complete strangers become lifelong friends? On a wet evening, I sat with family friends Joy Valenti and Carin Bookmiller in a bustling Starbucks, two women who were lucky enough to answer that question. The secret, believe it or not, is simpler than you may think.
Bookmiller and Valenti, whom I call Auntie Carin and Auntie Joy, had a vastly different upbringing from each other. Before meeting in 2007, the two grew up in different parts of the country. Auntie Joy was born in southern California, and moved interchangeably between there and Hawaiʻi for most of her childhood. This was not an easy way to live because she and her younger brother were living in between two divorced parents hundreds of miles away.
“[T]hey were two very different parents. My mom was more along the lines of [having] nice hair and nice clothes and [being] shapely so that boys will like you whereas my dad was very Christ centered; he was very ‘life is about having fun, so we are going to go have fun and praise the Lord while we do it.’”
Auntie Joy confidently uses her dad’s outlook on life to this day, and it is clear to see when meeting her; she is one of the friendliest people I know.
Going into college was a quick decision for Valenti. California State University at Stanislaus “offered [her] a partial scholarship for shotput and discus.” She majored in English literature and minored in art history. However, after a struggle figuring out what to do with her major, Auntie Joy took an eight-week course in American Sign Language (ASL). That’s when she fell in love with signing and got a bachelor in ASL as well as a minor in deaf studies at the University of New Hampshire. She has worked as an interpreter ever since.
Auntie Carin grew up twenty minutes outside of St. Louis. She lived at home with her married parents and sister through high school and for two years of community college. Auntie Carin attended a private Christian school all through elementary and high school, so faith was a big part of her childhood. Auntie Carin’s family spent a lot of time together, whether it was at Church or home.
“We were […] a sixty second drive from our Church, so we were there quite often for youth groups, meetings; it was all just so easy to be there for,” Bookmiller said.
Auntie Carin also noted that she and her parents were very big on planning out her future in a methodical way. Auntie Carin was able to live at home and attend a community college in St. Louis for an associates degree before going to Columbia College for her masters in accounting. After college, Auntie Carin got a position at an accounting firm in St. Louis.
It wasn’t until 2007 when Bookmiller and Valenti met in Montville, CT.
“We met at a mom’s group. [Another Church member] started this group for recent moms within the church. We were all together on the first day,” Valenti said.
I would be remiss if I didn’t talk about the connection that I have to these two lovely women. My father and Bruce Valenti, Joy’s husband, met working at Connecticut College over twenty years ago. My mom and Auntie Joy quickly became very close friends and are now the V and the D of VDB, for Valenti and Dumond. Auntie Joy met Auntie Carin when both of their sons were born.
“Carin was the one that I wanted to introduce to your mom,” Valenti said to me.
Once she did, everything clicked, and the B of VDB came alive. The three of them, all recently new mothers, had the ability to connect and help each other through taking care of their kids, one of them being me.
Both Bookmiller and Valenti kept faith in mind when talking about their friendship. “I think God’s got a plan, and we just show up. […] I think that even though we have very different upbringings, very different backgrounds, and as much as we blend and mesh despite our differences, faith is always that thing that we [can] go back to,” Valenti said. “Faith gives us a foundation. We always use the basis of living our lives with ‘Love God love people,’” Bookmiller said.
So, is faith what really brings people together as friends? While faith may be a contributing factor, both really attributed friendship to finding someone that you can love “even though [they’re] the most giant goofball [you] have ever met.” Both have the understanding that they are different from each other and that it’s completely okay.
Bookmiller clarified her thoughts, saying “the reason [we are friends] was faith because we were there for Church, but that wasn’t the real reason. We [are] able to be real human beings with each other completely unfiltered. We [are] able to truly be ourselves with one another.”
The beautiful thing about friendship is that there are no rules. There is no true secret. It does not matter where you are from, what you look like, or what you believe in. The only guidelines to follow are making one another happy. The VDB family, as I like to call it, is a great example of this, with Joy Valenti, Carin Bookmiller, and my mother being at the very core.
