A Non-Comprehensive List of Every Animal Aiden T. Rodgers Could Take In A Fight

Parameters for the Fight

Life or death situation. Either I kill it or it kills me. Or, should it not have the capacity to kill me, I would die should I lose the fight. I have no weapons, we are in a normal sized, tiled and walled room. 

Bugs

Any bug, pretty easily. Even the poisonous ones. I could squish it before the toxins are able to take hold. A real big spider would definitely spook me, but I would be able to get over it should the stakes be as high as described. I don’t think this category needs a lot of elaboration. 

Small Mammals

Any mammal that stands below my knee – rabbit, small dogs, bats. This would involve a simple kicking action should it be placed in the arena with me. Some animals of this size are no doubt powerful, but I think the simple size and reach difference would be so heavily in my favor that any rodent or similarly sized mammal falls to my blade. 

Fish

No water in the room. Checkmate. 

Air-Breathing Fish

Dolphins and whales. I’m not sure that a whale would fit in the room, so I think I win by default there. Dolphins are smart, but pretty useless without water. That’s more of a stalemate simply because I have no idea how I would beat a dolphin in a fight. When it comes down to it, though, I’m sure I would figure it out. 

Large Dog

An angry rottweiler is no match for me when I’m in my bag. It would involve a lot of wrestling; at least, that’s my gameplan. I want to take it where it’s less comfortable and go for the neck there. I have more angles of attack, possessing two arms and two legs myself, while the dog only possesses one mouth. I think that ability to overwhelm would be my ace in the hole. 

Crocodile or Alligator

This was a controversial pick when I pitched it to the A1 journalism class. Consider: a crocodile is so close to the ground. Oh, great, it has one big mouth. It is inefficient. It definitely would be harder to wrestle than the rottweiler, but my point stands. I am smarter than an alligator. Alligators cannot multiply fractions. I can’t really either but I’m sure I could remember how to. My brain is so much larger than the average crocodile and/or alligator that I could out-strategize it. It would have to reach me to bite me. By then, I would already have it in a headlock. See ya later, alligator. Or not. Because you are dead. 

Sloth

Sloths are so stupid that sometimes they mistake their own arm for a branch and grab it, subsequently falling out of the tree to their death. Next. 

Human (<13 Years Old)

I am confident in my abilities to take the average 6th grader (or younger) in a fight, on pure height and reach alone. Past 6th grade is when some of the future offensive lineman of the world suddenly become 6’3, 200 pounds, so I’m not putting a lot of weight on my ability to fight a 7th grader. 

Swans and Other Long Necked Birds

Cool neck. It’s over, though. They can peck me all they want. Boo hoo. That would hurt for a second, sure. But I am fast, like lightning. I have two hands, they have one neck. It’s so over. 

Black Bear

Psychological warfare. A notoriously cowardly animal. I’m not talking about an apex grizzly bear. I mean the little black bears. I could absolutely scare one into a heart attack. Would I win in a wrestling match? No. So against a black bear with some mental fortitude, it might be over for me. 

Bull

Make it run into a wall over and over again. 

A Clone of Myself

“Shouldn’t this be a completely even fight?” Wrong. Big buzzer noise. Steve Harvey has already moved on to the next person in your family. Big red X. Although possessing the exact same physical and mental attributes, the clone must exist with the fact that it is an abomination of science – a cheap copy of a person already existing. It will remember this and hesitate a moment, and, in that moment, I will strike. 

Giraffe

What an unserious animal. It is a horse in a Snapchat filter. How do giraffes have dignity as creatures? They don’t even really like the leaves on the tops of trees! They prefer grass on the ground! Have you seen giraffes fight? Look it up. I’m not scared of its singular attacking move – the world’s lamest cross between a headbutt and a yo-yo. 

Lobster

Not so immortal once I involve a pot and some butter. (Per the rules I think I would be allowed these, as they are not technically weapons.)