10-17-22

     Dear diary, Mondays are one of my easier school days.   

     I only have one core class on these days which makes my anxiety pretty low. 

     Dealing with some internal struggles recently is what caused some of my anxiety today. At lunch I grabbed a slice of pizza, I had already had a lunch packed for me to eat but I grabbed it anyway. 

     I was having a pasta dinner for field hockey practice so I had to eat healthy during the day so I was able to eat the pasta that night.  I know I shouldn’t have eaten it but I gave into that temptation really quickly. Thoughts flooded my mind while eating it but trying to push those negative thoughts away.

     This wave of guilt swarmed my body.

     Thoughts were formed in my head once more. “ Too much food.”  “ Don’t eat all of that. These thoughts are petty constant and have been for about 2 years. 

    The rest of my day consisted of trying to work my hardest at practice to work off the extra calories I consumed.

10-18-22

Dear diary,

     “ Worrying doesn’t take away tomorrow’s troubles. It takes away today’s PEACE.”- anxiety

    Tuesday was a struggle for me to get through. My classes were extremely hard and the workload is so much for me to handle. 

     The day went quickly which I was incredibly thankful for. After school I had a field hockey game against the best team in our conference. We lost but put up a good fight. Losing this game caused my anxiety to peak just a little bit.

       I start to doubt myself in these moments asking myself if I was good enough, could I have done better or if I even deserve to play. These negative thoughts wouldn’t go away all night. Coach comes up to me and she immediately  knows what’s wrong. 

      She says that I put up a fight and tried my hardest in the game and she was incredibly proud of me. I own her so much and my love for field hockey has become so strong again because of this one coach.

      I had to leave early from the varsity game to go to cheer practice. I didn’t have to bring a cheer bag with me so I was counting on my mom bringing it to the game so I could have it for practice. I got into the car and asked her “ do you have my bag?” “ Um no it thought you had it.” she said. 

       This caused a lump to form in my throat. I walked into the gym with a frown on my face waiting to get yelled at by my coaches. 

      The environment is very stressful for me and at times it can be toxic. I did get yelled at but they also pulled me aside and said “ Emma, your stunt group has been saying how you’re not doing good enough and getting a bad attitude when you don’t hit your stunts, when you’re good, you’re good but when you’re bad, you’re horrible right now.” This caused those thoughts to resurface. I got over this fit of anxiety and called it a night.

10-19-22

     Dear diary, my anxiety is a little bipolar. I don’t have panic attacks or fits of anxiety all the time.  Today was the worst of them for the week. My day started out perfectly fine. I went to two of my four classes and it went smoothly. 

     I got to my math class, I got a notification on my phone that my blood sugar was 65 and dropping. I shot up from my desk and asked my teacher if I could go get candy. He was extremely hesitant to let me go but eventually he caved.

      I walked slowly out of the classroom feeling my weak legs carry me through the long narrow hallways. I feel the wall enclose me in and I feel trapped. My head spins and I feel like I just got hit with a bowling pin. 

      My hands are so clammy and I’m dripping sweat. My body is petrified and I don’t have control over my body. I’m scared, scared for my life. 

     I’m shaking in the fear of the unknown.

       What could happen to me if I don’t make it. Or what if the candy doesn’t act fast enough and I have a seizure in the middle of the hallway.  I made it to the place I have candy and the teacher is extremely helpful. 

   I got the candy I needed and my blood sugar slowly rose. Relief filled my boy and my worries floated away.